Walking up the stairs to his apartment I could feel my heart inside of my stomach. I could feel my breath getting heavy – not sure if I was nervous or winded from the stairs but I was thinking it was the former. I hadn’t seen him in months since I decided to end our dating phase. After a 5 month investment of time, emotions, and energy with no commitment it was very clear that a relationship with me is not what he wanted, so I called it off. I would have rather had him choose to be with me but instead I chose to not be with someone who treated me as an option and not a priority, as an accessory and not a necessity, as a…okay I think you get it. So I’m walking up the stairs carrying his books along with all of these thoughts that were floating in my head.
Being that I didn’t want him as a friend (not if he couldn’t be my man #keepingitreal). I was really hoping to be able to hand off the books and leave. At least that’s what the logical part of me was thinking and fixing to do. But as the night unfolded my emotional side followed his lead. I knocked on the door, brain wondering how you greet someone who you once wanted but now not-so-much. He answered. I didn’t go for a hug or a handshake. Standing in the doorway, I simply handed him the books, said “thanks” and was turning around to leave. Then he asked me, “How are things going?” I turned around and engaged in dialogue with my long lost friend, the guy that I shared basically every detail of my life with for the past 5 months, and it honestly felt great having the opportunity to hear about his recent trips and to touch base with him about mine. I remember peaking at my phone to set a 20 min deadline for our interaction so that I could attend to my to-do list. However, 1 and a half hours later I found my myself admiring his newly grown beard (that he was adamant about shaving when we were together), play fighting, and having a good time with my friend. I didn’t want to leave but my to-do list was practically screaming out for attention so I said my goodbyes and headed home.
I couldn’t stop thinking about him when I got home and would have loved for him to come help me knock out a few of my to-do list items if it meant that I could spend more time with him. But deep down my heart and my brain were in agreement. As much fun as we had in that short amount of time and as many things that I liked about him in general (attractive, supportive, fun, responsible..), I couldn’t lose sight of the way that he treated me (the way that I allowed him to treat me) throughout our dating experience. I remember at times feeling like I was playing second fiddle, when I know that I am first chair quality, all the while knowing that some great man is out there waiting for a woman like me to adorn.
I saw my ex and it was much better than I could have even imagined. Although, I’d love to see him again and interact with him more frequently I know that I cannot. The facts are that he earned his position as my ex, which puts him in my past. And frankly, I don’t think that he should be able to have a platonic emotional connection with me because that’s obviously not what I desire. In that scenario he would be the only one that wins because he’d have his cake and would eat it too and I’d be proactively trying to ensure that I don’t adopt the mindset of hoping that “maybe, just maybe, one day he’ll commit to me” #aintnobodygottimeforthat.
As I grow and discover more about who I am and the type of man that I want, I’m learning to forgive myself for the mistakes that I made (and will make). I’m learning to identify the unfavorable traits that he possessed and learning to RUNNNN from them – haha, but seriously, I’m learning to identify those unfavorable traits so that I don’t start the cycle of dating the same person with a different name. I’m also learning to appreciate all the wonderful things about my ex and to honor our shared memories and for that I thank my (former) “sexi Christian man.” xoxo