I Saw My Ex

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Walking up the stairs to his apartment I could feel my heart inside of my stomach. I could feel my breath getting heavy – not sure if I was nervous or winded from the stairs but I was thinking it was the former. I hadn’t seen him in months since I decided to end our dating phase. After a 5 month investment of time, emotions, and energy with no commitment it was very clear that a relationship with me is not what he wanted, so I called it off. I would have rather had him choose to be with me but instead I chose to not be with someone who treated me as an option and not a priority, as an accessory and not a necessity, as a…okay I think you get it. So I’m walking up the stairs carrying his books along with all of these thoughts that were floating in my head.

Being that I didn’t want him as a friend (not if he couldn’t be my man #keepingitreal). I was really hoping to be able to hand off the books and leave. At least that’s what the logical part of me was thinking and fixing to do. But as the night unfolded my emotional side followed his lead. I knocked on the door, brain wondering how you greet someone who you once wanted but now not-so-much. He answered. I didn’t go for a hug or a handshake. Standing in the doorway, I simply handed him the books, said “thanks” and was turning around to leave.  Then he asked me, “How are things going?” I turned around and engaged in dialogue with my long lost friend, the guy that I shared basically every detail of my life with for the past 5 months, and it honestly felt great having the opportunity to hear about his recent trips and to touch base with him about mine. I remember peaking at my phone to set a 20 min deadline for our interaction so that I could attend to my to-do list. However, 1 and a half hours later I found my myself admiring his newly grown beard (that he was adamant about shaving when we were together), play fighting, and having a good time with my friend.  I didn’t want to leave but my to-do list was practically screaming out for attention so I said my goodbyes and headed home.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him when I got home and would have loved for him to come help me knock out a few of my to-do list items if it meant that I could spend more time with him. But deep down my heart and my brain were in agreement. As much fun as we had in that short amount of time and as many things that I liked about him in general (attractive, supportive, fun, responsible..), I couldn’t lose sight of the way that he treated me (the way that I allowed him to treat me) throughout our dating experience.  I remember at times feeling like I was playing second fiddle, when I know that I am first chair quality, all the while knowing that some great man is out there waiting for a woman like me to adorn.

I saw my ex and it was much better than I could have even imagined. Although, I’d love to see him again and interact with him more frequently I know that I cannot.  The facts are that he earned his position as my ex, which puts him in my past. And frankly, I don’t think that he should be able to have a platonic emotional connection with me because that’s obviously not what I desire. In that scenario he would be the only one that wins because he’d have his cake and would eat it too and I’d be proactively trying to ensure that I don’t adopt the mindset of hoping that “maybe, just maybe, one day he’ll commit to me” #aintnobodygottimeforthat.

As I grow and discover more about who I am and the type of man that I want, I’m learning to forgive myself for the mistakes that I made (and will make). I’m learning to identify the unfavorable traits that he possessed and learning to RUNNNN from them – haha, but seriously, I’m learning to identify those unfavorable traits so that I don’t start the cycle of dating the same person with a different name. I’m also learning to appreciate all the wonderful things about my ex and to honor our shared memories and for that I thank my (former) “sexi Christian man.”  xoxo

Etiquette Guide: Break-ups on Social Media

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If you follow me on Facebook you know that my relationship status hasn’t changed in years! I’ve been very intentional about who I commit to because I’m trying to do this new thing where hopefully the guy that names me as his “girlfriend” will one day name me as his “wife.” Crazy idea, right?! haha… but that last break-up sucked. Frankly they all suck, and now that social media is ever-so- popular break ups suck harder. I’m writing this post to share with you how I survived my break-up on social media.

If you happen to be going through this at the moment my goal is to save you some embarrassment, help you fight off probing folks, and help you move on with your life.  If this can’t help you,  pass it along to a friend!

At first when people are in healthy relationships, they share with their Facebook fam and Instagram followers pics and details about the sweet things that their mate has done for them. Something along the lines of having a picture of a steak dinner, captioned “My girl is the best” or  her having a picture of the two of them as her profile picture.  The relationship is exciting, fun, and loving so couples are anxious to share this aspect of their lives with others. Many social media followers are genuinely happy for the couple as well. Love is contagious :) All of these things has made the relationship public, very public. Now that it’s over, regrettably public. But don’t worry, I will get you through this without a hitch. Just follow these simple do’s and don’ts.

RIRI

Let’s start with the don’ts because if you are doing any of these I want you to stop…right now. So let’s not delay it any further:

Don’ts:

  • Sub-tweet/Repost memes about “a real man” or “a good woman.”  Your ex knows that its about him/her and so does everyone else. If you have something to say to your ex, being that you have all the contact info, you should just say it directly.
  • Stalk every new guy/girl that your ex adds as a friend on Facebook. How’s that going to change your situation?
  • Inquire about your ex’s well-being.  I know you care about him/her but you have to let that go.
  • Post pics of you and random guys, party pics, or glam shots as a way to communicate that your life is so much fun without him.
  • Let the world know that your #np – “Riding Solo”
  • Bad mouth your ex. It reflects poorly on you and your ability to choose a mate.
  • Release a PSA. Your relationship was between the two of you. You don’t owe  folks an explanation for the break-up.
  • Date someone new. A trusted friend once told me that if the relationship was less than 2 years there should be a 6 month time-frame before one starts to date again. If its longer than 2 years, the suggested time-frame of singleness was 1 year. This is the best advice that I can share.  Rebound relationships are tacky, but most importantly they rob you of the time to let your heart heal, and forces your new mate to clean up the last person’s mess (which is totally unfair).

Do:

  •  Delete your ex on your social media sites. (You can always add him/her back once y’all can be copacetic.) Doing this will put a stop to the desire to sub-tweet, prove that you aren’t hurt, or any of that petty stuff. It will allow you to focus on you and your needs.
  • Create a politically correct response. This will come in handy for people who have no business asking you about the break-up in the first place.  8 months after my break-up, I had someone pretend that they didn’t know that we weren’t together just so that they could get the juice. To that I politely responded, ” We just weren’t compatible.”
  • Be authentic in your feelings. If you need to cry, do so.  If you need closure from your ex, feel free to ask for it (you have nothing to lose at this point).
  • Share your feelings with people you trust. This could be a best friend, mom, counselor, or whomever. Just keep that circle small.
  • Spend time with people who love you. It will make you feel better. It’ll remind you that you rock and are awesome just the way you are.
  • Listen to Ridin’ Solo – Jason Derulo. It has a way of making you excited about being single again.